Another reason or two why I like the fun local radio station: at night time, there are such gems as a local bands performing live a melancholy, indie rock version of the ‘Milkshake’ song, and a hard metal, head-bobbing-inducing cover of ‘I Like Big Butts;’ in the morning, there was a combination of alternating indie rock, sublimely funky bass and Asian instrument instrumentals, and even a cover of a Sneakerpimps song of all things by a woman with a lovely, smoky voice.

In other news. I was prompted on this line of thought by an email conversation the other day. Lately, my life has been full of changes, and I’ve been changing extensively as well, enough at the least that I’m conscious of it, if that makes any sense. After graduating, a lot of stuff got turned upside down. Up till that point, I’d been living in a regularly shifting but still solid roommate-environment, and going to school which was probably a bubble insulating me from a lot of things (not that I was physically in school or living where I was, but the fact that I could retreat into labeling myself a student and just not have to think about or deal with a lot, and had the luxury of having choices made for me by virtue of that fact).

Then, roommates started moving away. And friends moved away. And I felt quite alone and afraid. I hadn’t accomplished anything my hesitant ambitions had as goals. And I was back at home, which is nice in a sense to save money and be secure and have family right there, but at the same time feels like something of a regression or an escape, and is a downer in that sense, and beyond that is living in a room full of boxes – not pleasant to be stuck in a temporary-space. Unfortunately, I handled it with varying degrees of system shock; depression, lashing out, clutching or clinging, mood swings I’m sure, I could go on. I got a job, which in an objective sense is a perfectly fine thing, but one that I had to assign purpose that had little to do with me, which backfired horribly. More turmoil beyond that, too personal to talk about, but as much as everything else combined.

So. Starting over. Finding new ambitions, new goals, making new plans. Making new friends, I suppose. And yet, even as everything from diet to hobbies to interests changes, the more things stay the same, hien? And change. Layers, and dualities, and life and all that. I guess, I'm learning a lot about myself; about my reactions to things in the past, for example, like when a friend and I realized our past ambitions were fine, we just hadn't realized at the time the kind of stability we needed to act on them.

As much as when I was younger I tried to style myself as a loner’s loner, I realize now that I’m something of a social animal – not a very garrulous or prolific one, but I rather enjoy having someone or a few close friends who I can be very close with. Finding myself bereft of that for the most part is kind of a good and bad thing, I guess. My dad, upon finding me on the couch staring into space late one night, commented that I thrive on helping people. As much as I’ve devoted myself without reservation and given my love in whatever fashion to those immediately around me in the past, it somehow actually feels wrong in a way, or difficult, to just work on helping myself. I hope that doesn’t sound arrogant, it’s meant at face value. I think I need to find some balance between helping myself and giving myself to others, but at the same time maybe giving myself to others again is part of helping myself.

One thing I think I’m learning about this starting over stuff is that it’s not just a one time thing, but something that is continual, and changing on a day to day basis. Conflicting emotions, torn thoughts. But I read the other day: “It’s all right. It’s okay to be exactly where you are.”

Yeah.

At the least, I’m just going to do my best to keep breathing, deeply.