So I've been feeling really dispassionate lately. Like...neutral. Not really happy or sad or mad or anything. And to be honest, I'm tired of it - I've almost been wanting someone to pick a verbal fight with me or something, just to get me riled up...the trick is, I'm not sure that would even get me going.

In conversations with Ms. Connie, with direction from her I think maybe I realized part of it is self-defense - from myself. I know that there was a specific point when I was recently depressed where I realized how much letting my temper and frustrations etc out of control actually cost me, in details and in the larger scheme, not just in how much pain and trouble I caused externally but how much damage it did to me on various levels. I wonder whether this dispassionateness is me just unconsciously surpressing any sort of...uh...'louder' emotion for fear of repeated pain/damage/trouble/whatever. Hm.