Hm...breaking my own work-rules, using something besides email. But: slowest day ever. I find myself in a situation similar in some ways to one I found myself in about four years ago; the trick is, I'm on the opposite side of that situation than I was in the past. Besides the circumstantial differences between the two situations, there's been massive change in me. And that's kind of a problem for me - I definitely feel more mature, self-aware, and in control of myself than I did those years ago. But I don't want to be! It's the oddest thing, I want to be young and immature again, I want to be able to confront unknowns with argument and selling myself and pleading that just comes out as I feel it, rather than restraining and containing within myself and having self-checks and a desire to be mature. As much as I keep wanting to ask just one more question, I stop myself because, of course, I'm afraid of what the answer might be, and how I'd handle it. I have everything going for me in my life, but I haven't been able to shake being caught in a mode where I'm living from moment to painful moment - I don't want to think about the future or the past, and so I feel caught in strange parody of a zen state.

Everyone's gone through it and all that jazz, I know, my response to that being that this time for me it's a matter of degree, and believe me, I'm trying my hardest to get myself back in order, as much as it might seem like I'm wallowing in negativity! Maybe that's what this writing is part of, I don't know.